I tried to kill my pain
But only brought more
So much more
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?
Recently I’ve been thinking of suicide – not thinking of suicide as in “suicidal thoughts” but just thinking about the concept of suicide and its implications.
Specifically religious implications. Probably because I've been listening to
Tourniquet a lot lately - hence the title.
Okay, while not all religions were against suicide – for instance in ancient Japan it was believed to be more honourable kill oneself than to surrender and some mythologies were similar – those descended from Judaism were vehement on the matter: it was forbidden.
In the original versions of the
Seven Deadly Sins that
Despair was originally a mortal sin because it symbolized a loss of faith and hope – no longer trusting in God. Suicide is taking God’s most precious gift and getting rid of it. Those who take their own life cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
This is where my musing actually starts – what about drugs? So many medications out there, especially anti-depressants, include suicidal thoughts as a side-effect.
Also, take into account
mental illness - it's estimated that 87%-98% of suicides had a mental disorder. The obvious ones are
Depression and
Bipolar Disorder, but there are others. Of suicides,
mood disorders are present in 30%,
substance abuse in 18%,
schizophrenia in 14%, and
personality disorders in 13% of suicides. These are all chemical imbalances - either caused by the illness, causes the illness, or by the medication for the illness. (In
Swing a Little More I mention that while Lithium is the most effective medication in regards to suppressing suicidal impulses/thoughts, the medication to stop the kidney damage from lithium increases such thoughts.)
Even without looking to specific mental disorders, it's been found that those who attempt suicide have low
seratonin levels (mood modulator and neurotransmitter), and those who complete it have the lowest levels.
Is a chemical imbalance someone
willingly throwing their life away? Or would it be considered differently? Are there exceptions, a rule, a second chance?
My next question is this: what about those who willingly endanger their lives?
Just to clarify – I am not saying that my following examples should be considered the same as suicide-by-free-will. My thoughts are... odd on this matter so I’m trying to properly categorize them. How is saying “Hey, I don’t care if I die” different to saying “I don’t want to live”?
If those who are chemically imbalanced towards hurting themselves in a fatal way get penalized (forgive the word), what happens to those who are mentally healthy but through themselves off cliffs attached to a chord, or diving into the rift, or other “thrill seeking” activities. I mean, I know we all take risks with our lives just by leaving the house but we don’t run in front of the cars! These guys sign
contracts that explicitly state that if they die then it’s not the company’s problem!
Ok, I know that may be irrational but I don’t see why if someone who is supposedly in full possession of their faculties could care so little about their lives that they may as well throw them away...
I know that they probably don’t think that it’s possible that they may die – at least it’s not in the forefront of their mind. Like for surfers – they don’t have to sign a contract to go in the ocean.
Not on the “thrill seeker” side of things there are soldiers – men who willingly risk their lives for what they perceive is a worthy cause. They know full well that they could die. I know they aren’t happy with the idea and they aren’t seeking to die but they know it’s a risk.
I guess it’s that a suicide intends to die, while the soldier accepts that it’s a possibility but doesn’t want to, and the thrill seeker doesn’t really consider it. It is intention.
I’m
not saying that stupidity or honour is on par with actually taking one’s life – what I am saying is that since suicide could be the result of mental illnesses and drug side-effects can they
really be considered to be taking their life of their own volition? I mean
real free-will? I know some can resist these impulses – but what if the imbalance is that bad or the illness that far progressed?
I’ve never read an exclusion clause. I’d like to think that there’s something to help but I don’t believe in reincarnation or past-lives despite the romanticism behind them – mainly because I don’t like the idea that my personality as it is has nothing to do with my soul and I could have just as easily been a male born in 1955. However, I know that Judaism has explicit mention of past-lives, and that Christianity isn't mutually exclusive with the idea. Hell, a younger me thought that it was a good explanation as to why Heaven wouldn't be overcrowded.
Actually, I’d be likely to believe such a theory if said second chance took the form of them being reborn
without said illness or imbalance thus giving them a chance to relive their life over... however that would be unfair to those who don't get a second chance unless
everything except said imbalance/illness was the same but that would go against the concept of free-will which is something I believe in thus I couldn't believe that theory anyway...
Not to mention that it would seem to imply that I either I monumentally frakked up my past life attempts and am on my nth chance with God, or that I haven't frakked up but am still supposed to live all this out again and risk on of my future lives frakking up the afterlife for all of "me". On top of that I have no small amount of distaste for the idea that if I could have married multiple people already at that once I die whatever vows I made/make ultimately mean nothing. But that's getting into my personal weirdness.
And then we look to those who were dying and then committed suicide. For instance, a person dying of a particularly painful disease. They have days, weeks, maybe months to live but all in complete agony. Is it so bad that maybe they don't want to wither away like that? By that same token, would a person refusing further medical help be considered suicide if said treatment could extend their life? Personally, I don't know - I'd imagine my thoughts may change if a relative/friend chose such a route.
I
so love chasing myself in a circle... not.
This post doesn’t involve me coming to some sort of brilliant conclusion, a minor epiphany, or even some weird little decision. It’s just me wondering what is going on here.
My wounds cry for the grave:
My soul cries for deliverance.
Will I be denied?
Christ!
Tourniquet!
My suicide...
