Have you ever had your life sort of turned topsy-turvy, where things that you didn't think were going to happen for a while suddenly happen and things that you thought would happen sooner get delayed and the like?
Well, as they say, "Man plans; God laughs" and the Lord has been having a good chuckle over here.
I don't think I talk a lot about myself on this blog but the things that are relevant to this post are that I'm a perfectionist, don't like change, have a preoccupation with the future, and am terrible at adhering to my limits (not "realizing my limits", mind you; I know what they are, I just don't respect them... which is stupid)
For the last five or so years, I've been in something of a self-imposed rut. A seemingly endless sea of monotony, that was, quite frankly, taking it's toll on me. Not the "monotony" itself, I guess, but the nature of it - always pushing myself, always trying to live up to people's expectations of me regardless of whether they were realistic or not.
I guess, the defining incident that stands out was the first semester I took on four units and had been advised by one of the higher ups to take on a calculus unit that I didn't really have the prerequisites for. Furthermore, the unit was aimed at engineering students while I was a mere commerce student, a young one at that. But I wanted to pursue statistics so it was what I needed. It was a tough semester, but I made it through that unit and achieved a Distinction (at my uni, it's the second best grade type) and was initially quite proud. Until everyone else started weighing in. Mum was calculating whether I could maintain my average with this mere Distinction, the lecturer who had recommended the unit to me said he was expecting a High Distinction. The only person who actually gave me positive feedback was the lecturer who taught the unit.
In hindsight, I should have seen that they weren't being realistic expecting that high a grade of me. I mean, I liked maths and was good at it but was no mathematical genius - better than commerce but not a mathematician or engineer. However, it unfortunately set a standard in my mind that I really couldn't keep up on a long term basis.
(I am not blaming others for my... stupidity, since this attitude did die down in later semesters. But they did plant the idea which grew to define part of me... that unless my grades were perfect they, and by extension I, were worthless. It was an exaggerated view but it was still my view.)
I managed to keep being a high achiever for four years, at the expense of everything else. Including my health. I won't go into details but, I was definitely worse for wear. Being a high achiever wasn't really the problem... it was the fact that that was all I was. Any hobbies I had in high school had either been abandoned or left to the side to be resumed at some undefined point in time (with very few exceptions). When I talked about my hobbies, I was often working off very old information. Even my holidays were spent in preparation for the next semester. (I can think of only one exception, and it was in the recent two years - even then, it was a hobby binge)
(Honestly, I really should have picked up on the decline earlier - just looking at some of my unpublished posts has me facepalming at how obviously... "not right" things were)
Anyway, the toll that the my stupidity has resulted in a drastically decreased load and thus adding a bit more time to my degree - but, after much deliberation, that's a good thing. I mean, I'm not just a student, I'm a person. I have a personality, and I have things that I've liked to do. I am an amateur writer and that's been neglected for a long while. I'm not saying that I'm giving up on my grades or something like that - I still want my degree and I want it to be worth something. It's just not going to be the only thing that defines me, not anymore.
Going back to that expression at the beginning... the one on God laughing. Well, we don't laugh at something unless it's either very silly or very funny, so wouldn't it stand to reason that God laughs at those sorts of things too? And let's face it, my "plan" wasn't exactly intelligent... but I would have continued it if it hadn't negatively impacted my well-being.
So the whole "God laughs" bit isn't really about messing up Man's plans, but more about going "Hey, you're doing it wrong - let's give you a chance to think about that for a second, silly child". Of course it really does say something that it takes a metaphorical arrow to the knee to get me to sit and actually think about what I'm doing but hey, I should work on that.
If you're not particularly religious, the moral still applies I think, in that really more thought should be given to a person's priorities when things are going well rather than having these overly long contemplative moments when things don't turn out as planned. But in my case, I'm going to pay a little less attention to me-as-a-student and more attention to me-as-a-person.
Which, incidentally, actually includes getting back to this blog. :)
13 January 2013
30 September 2012
Music: I Want My Tears Back
A song for the inner child... though the longing for "sleepless nights" is also something someone suffering from writer's block can probably sympathize with as well...
But posting because wonderful song is wonderful.
Nightwish - I Want My Tears Back
I want my tears back
The treetops, the chimneys, the snowbed stories, winter grey
Wildflowers, those meadows of heaven, wind in the wheat
A railroad across water, the scent of grandfatherly love
Blue bayous, Decembers, moon through a dragonfly's wings
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where's dear Alice knocking on the door?
Where's the trapdoor that takes me there?
Where the real is shattered by a Mad March Hare?
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where are the sleepless nights I used to live for?
Before the years take me
I wish to see
The lost in me
I want my tears back
I want my tears back now
A ballet on a grove, still growing young all alone
A rag doll, a best friend, the voice of Mary Costa
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where's dear Alice knocking on the door?
Where's the trapdoor that takes me there?
Where the real is shattered by a Mad March Hare?
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where are the sleepless nights I used to live for?
Before the years take me
I wish to see
The lost in me
I want my tears back
I want my tears back now
But posting because wonderful song is wonderful.
The treetops, the chimneys, the snowbed stories, winter grey
Wildflowers, those meadows of heaven, wind in the wheat
A railroad across water, the scent of grandfatherly love
Blue bayous, Decembers, moon through a dragonfly's wings
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where's dear Alice knocking on the door?
Where's the trapdoor that takes me there?
Where the real is shattered by a Mad March Hare?
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where are the sleepless nights I used to live for?
Before the years take me
I wish to see
The lost in me
I want my tears back
I want my tears back now
A ballet on a grove, still growing young all alone
A rag doll, a best friend, the voice of Mary Costa
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where's dear Alice knocking on the door?
Where's the trapdoor that takes me there?
Where the real is shattered by a Mad March Hare?
Where is the wonder, where's the awe?
Where are the sleepless nights I used to live for?
Before the years take me
I wish to see
The lost in me
I want my tears back
I want my tears back now
2 August 2012
Music: Who Am I Living For?
Oh hush - I know it's Katy Perry but I happen to like this song. >_>
Katy Perry - Who Am I Living For?
I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat,
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah...
I am ready for the road less traveled;
Suiting up for my crowning battle.
This test is my own cross to bear
But I will get there.
It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called;
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name...
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can feel this light that's inside of me.
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning:
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah...
So I pray for a favour like Esther:
I need your strength to handle the pressure.
I know there will be sacrifice,
But that's the price.
It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called;
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name...
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
Heavy is the head that wears the crown;
Don't let the greatness get you down.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown;
Don't let the greatness get you down.
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
As I march alone to a different beat,
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah...
I am ready for the road less traveled;
Suiting up for my crowning battle.
This test is my own cross to bear
But I will get there.
It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called;
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name...
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can feel this light that's inside of me.
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning:
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah...
So I pray for a favour like Esther:
I need your strength to handle the pressure.
I know there will be sacrifice,
But that's the price.
It's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called;
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall.
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name...
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
Heavy is the head that wears the crown;
Don't let the greatness get you down.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown;
Don't let the greatness get you down.
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can see the writing on the wall:
I can't ignore this war.
At the end of it all
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
At the end, at the end
Who am I living for?
29 July 2012
ASPD, Definitions, and Inflicted Insight
I know I did a post on Anti-Social Personality Disorder but I just wanted to clear up a couple of things. I recently heard a "statistic" that "1 in 25 people are sociopaths". Now, let's remember that sociopathy is considered a subdivision of ASPD and 3% of men and 1% of women are diagnosed with the disorder. The world is roughly 50/50, so the total probability is actually 2% (1.5% + 0.5%). That makes it 1 in 50.
But moving on from that, there is a reason I brough this up - these same "statistic" was mentioned in the context where the author was saying that 1 in 25 people are completely without empathy. Not only that, they credit the World Health Organization (ICD) for this. But wait! Let's take another look at the diagnosis criteria...
(quoted from my prior post, which contains the links)
Under the DSM-IV
Under ICD-10 (where it is classified under the similar Dissocial Personality Disorder)
Why am I bringing this up again? Because for each person who references the World Health Organization to say that sociopaths (sufferers of antisocial personality disorder) lack empathy, they seem to forget the simple phrases "at least 3" and "three or more". Only one symptom in the DSMV and two in the ICD-10 roughly correspond to lack of empathy. This means that it's possible for the not to have lack of empathy has a symptom. Now, of course I don't know the probability and relationships between each symptom but the point is that it is possible! But hey, congratulations world - you're just stereotyped another group of people based one aspect that subdivision of them have.
Furthermore, I would like to draw attention to some symptoms these being:
A sufferer of ASPD can feel remorse, but just rationalize a misdeed - like "sane" people do. So... is this behaviour sane? Even blaming others - "If my boss hadn't fired me...", if this, if that. These are possible symptoms of what people like to call sociopathy.
But the ones that reach the media are dramatic and extremely negative - portraying the worst of a group of people who, quite frankly, are mostly normal. However, as a friend pointed out, there may be another reason why the least glamorous symptoms are the ones that are emphasized, and next to no attention towards the more commonplace ones.
Nobody wants to draw attention to their own potentially sociopathic behaviour. This is an especially good point when combined with the idea of "inflicted insight" - the idea of exposing the less savoury or comfortable facets of a person's own psyche and forcing them to confront them. I've mentioned the Milgram Experiment before, where participants pretty much blindly followed orders to electrocute another person - many of those same participants (84%) thanked the people running the experiment for showing them that side of them and helping them realize that they needed to question their own actions more, and 15% were neutral.
And yet inflicted insight is veiwed as a bad thing. Could this be why people ignore the more mundane symptoms? Because people don't want to know that they aren't so different from the sociopaths they so revile?
In order to solve a problem, it actually needs to be acknowledged first.
But moving on from that, there is a reason I brough this up - these same "statistic" was mentioned in the context where the author was saying that 1 in 25 people are completely without empathy. Not only that, they credit the World Health Organization (ICD) for this. But wait! Let's take another look at the diagnosis criteria...
(quoted from my prior post, which contains the links)
Under the DSM-IV
- A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
- failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
- deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
- impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;
- irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
- reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
- consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
- lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;
- B) The individual is at least age 18 years.
- C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 16 years.
- D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.
Under ICD-10 (where it is classified under the similar Dissocial Personality Disorder)
It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:
- Callous unconcern for the feelings of others
- Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations.
- Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them
- Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.
- Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.
- Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society
Why am I bringing this up again? Because for each person who references the World Health Organization to say that sociopaths (sufferers of antisocial personality disorder) lack empathy, they seem to forget the simple phrases "at least 3" and "three or more". Only one symptom in the DSMV and two in the ICD-10 roughly correspond to lack of empathy. This means that it's possible for the not to have lack of empathy has a symptom. Now, of course I don't know the probability and relationships between each symptom but the point is that it is possible! But hey, congratulations world - you're just stereotyped another group of people based one aspect that subdivision of them have.
Furthermore, I would like to draw attention to some symptoms these being:
- lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;
- Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society
A sufferer of ASPD can feel remorse, but just rationalize a misdeed - like "sane" people do. So... is this behaviour sane? Even blaming others - "If my boss hadn't fired me...", if this, if that. These are possible symptoms of what people like to call sociopathy.
But the ones that reach the media are dramatic and extremely negative - portraying the worst of a group of people who, quite frankly, are mostly normal. However, as a friend pointed out, there may be another reason why the least glamorous symptoms are the ones that are emphasized, and next to no attention towards the more commonplace ones.
Nobody wants to draw attention to their own potentially sociopathic behaviour. This is an especially good point when combined with the idea of "inflicted insight" - the idea of exposing the less savoury or comfortable facets of a person's own psyche and forcing them to confront them. I've mentioned the Milgram Experiment before, where participants pretty much blindly followed orders to electrocute another person - many of those same participants (84%) thanked the people running the experiment for showing them that side of them and helping them realize that they needed to question their own actions more, and 15% were neutral.
And yet inflicted insight is veiwed as a bad thing. Could this be why people ignore the more mundane symptoms? Because people don't want to know that they aren't so different from the sociopaths they so revile?
In order to solve a problem, it actually needs to be acknowledged first.
18 June 2012
"Do I look like a man with a plan to you?"
Well, since I'm a girl I'd certainly hope not. I do however, have a plan of sorts.
Okay... I'm finishing semester this week so posting should resume as normal. It might even take on something that vaguely resembes a schedule again.
Topics I plan on covering include:
So... yeah. I have promised to try and cover these topics so that is what I shall do! The highest probabilties of success go to the DtD series, Twilight, and the Truth post.
Anyway, until next week,
Cheers.
Okay... I'm finishing semester this week so posting should resume as normal. It might even take on something that vaguely resembes a schedule again.
Topics I plan on covering include:
- At least three more Disturbing the Disturbed posts:
- Disassociative Identity Disorder
- Schitzophrenia
- Psychosis
- Female characters in fiction
- Twilight versus Paranormalcy (something I just find amusing)
- My take on truth, facts, and our perception of reality.
- Nothing political - yep, this is more of a reminder that I will not rant about political/social movements I dislike.
- Though if I can link it in to lack of empathy then I will probably end up discussing it anyway.
- The Seven Deadly Sins
- And how certain mental/psychological situations contribute or detract from them
- Sexuality and Perceptions - a personal take on it with some statistics thrown in.
- Possibly music once a week. Deciding whether or not I should shamelessly steal that idea from a friend... except mine will reflect my mood rather than anything deep and meaningful.
So... yeah. I have promised to try and cover these topics so that is what I shall do! The highest probabilties of success go to the DtD series, Twilight, and the Truth post.
Anyway, until next week,
Cheers.
11 June 2012
Music: Nobody's Home
Sometimes “home” doesn’t really exist...
Avril Lavigne - Nobody’s Home
Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way;
She felt it every day.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems...
Don't know where she belongs,
Where she belongs...
She wants to go home
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies:
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes:
Broken inside.
Open your eyes
And look outside:
Find the reasons why...
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you've left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems...
Don't know where she belongs,
Where she belongs...
She wants to go home
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies:
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes:
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides;
Her dreams she can't find;
She's losing her mind;
She's falling behind!
She can't find her place;
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place, yeah!
She wants to go home
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes:
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside!
Oh, oh.
She's lost inside, lost inside!
Oh, oh, oh.
Why she felt that way;
She felt it every day.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems...
Don't know where she belongs,
Where she belongs...
She wants to go home
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies:
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes:
Broken inside.
Open your eyes
And look outside:
Find the reasons why...
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you've left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems...
Don't know where she belongs,
Where she belongs...
She wants to go home
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies:
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes:
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides;
Her dreams she can't find;
She's losing her mind;
She's falling behind!
She can't find her place;
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place, yeah!
She wants to go home
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes:
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside!
Oh, oh.
She's lost inside, lost inside!
Oh, oh, oh.
30 May 2012
Music: Lift
Evaluation final:
Poets of the Fall - Lift
Times when I just can't
Bring myself to say it loud
'Fraid that what I'll say comes out somehow awry
That is when it seems
We move in circles day to day
Twist the drama of the play to get us by
And it feels like fear
Like I'll disappear
Gets so hard to steer
Yet I go on
Do we need debate
When it seems too late
Like I bleed but wait
Like nothing's wrong
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
Like the other day
I thought you won't be coming back
I came to realize my lackluster dreams
And among the schemes
And all the tricks we try to play
Only dreams will hold their sway and defy
And it feels like fear
Like I'll disappear
Gets so hard to steer
Yet I go on
Do we need debate
When it seems too late
Like I bleed but wait
Like nothing's wrong
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
- illusionist;
- dreamer;
- menace to society.
Bring myself to say it loud
'Fraid that what I'll say comes out somehow awry
That is when it seems
We move in circles day to day
Twist the drama of the play to get us by
And it feels like fear
Like I'll disappear
Gets so hard to steer
Yet I go on
Do we need debate
When it seems too late
Like I bleed but wait
Like nothing's wrong
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
Like the other day
I thought you won't be coming back
I came to realize my lackluster dreams
And among the schemes
And all the tricks we try to play
Only dreams will hold their sway and defy
And it feels like fear
Like I'll disappear
Gets so hard to steer
Yet I go on
Do we need debate
When it seems too late
Like I bleed but wait
Like nothing's wrong
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
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